The ability to say “no”
Are you one of those people who have a hard time saying “no”? I will show you what is behind it and what you can do effectively to break out of the hamster wheel “yes-sager”.
So now it has happened again. You let your boss put you through to take on a few other tasks, even though you are actually more than busy with your current area.
There are situations like this that we would like to say no to, but don’t really dare.
There is the Sunday coffee with the parents that you dread on Monday evening, the booze tour with your friends and finally the walk to the civil service, which you do for your sister because she doesn’t like it.
You don’t really have time and desire, but when you were asked, you just didn’t have the heart to say “no”.
But why is that?
Why we find it difficult to say “no”
We are usually quite free to reject or accept all sorts of things as we please. We can decide according to our personal taste or our current mood.
Whether yes or no , the only thing we ultimately have to do is cope with the consequences of this decision. But that’s exactly what scares many of us.
We imagine worst-case scenarios, what the other person might think about us and whether that might harm the friendship or the contact.
So we buckle and do something that we actually don’t feel like doing.
Better than the risk that the other person thinks something wrong or that we have to justify ourselves before the other.
By always saying “yes”, we avoid conflict, may be liked more and can blame others for our lives because we care about them instead of ourselves.
We usually don’t notice how we harm ourselves with such behavior.
Nonsense & danger of saying yes
On the one hand, we always put the wishes of others above our own wishes, which means that we often no longer live our own lives, but that of others.
In addition, Ja-Sager underestimate a certain lawfulness of the upbringing: by constantly showing their surroundings that they can be relied on, they are educating them that you can do the same with them.
You are busy at work, but still accept any additional tasks from your boss. On the one hand, these additional tasks mean that your schedule no longer works and you may have to work overtime, and on the other hand – which is even more fatal – that your boss assumes in the future that you will always complete these tasks from now on and he can give you more.
And so a vicious cycle begins. With every new task assigned to you, your boss realizes that you can still manage it and sees it as the normal state of your workforce. Until the hamster falls dead from his hamster wheel at some point.
So you can see that saying yes to your surroundings is nice, but ultimately you are harming yourself and, in the worst case, you can maneuver yourself into ever greater difficulties.
Tips against the yes-man in you
1.) First, think about why you have consented to things in the past that you would have preferred to reject. Did you want to avoid a discussion? Didn’t you just want to look stupid or not endanger the contact?
2.) Think about what could realistically happen if you say “no”. Will the friendship be terminated if you don’t move around the house this time? Will your parents disown you if you can’t come for coffee on Sunday? Of course not. Life goes on.
3.) Get used to giving yourself time to consider such questions. It has nothing to do with rudeness, for example, if you say “I’ll see how it fits in time and then let you know”. So you leave the decision open at first, your counterpart knows about a possible “no” and you have time and opportunity to think in peace and for yourself whether you want and can.
4.) A “No” can usually be defused simply by justifying it. You won’t be angry with you if you are on time or need to do other things. But don’t let it become a habit to justify yourself anytime, anywhere. This is definitely the wrong way and you have to build so much self-confidence .
5.) Another option that can also be used well at work is to make alternative suggestions. So you can calmly (and without fear) ask your boss whether you should postpone your current task and complete the new task or whether she can wait until afterwards.
Just to make it clear: You don’t have to become an egoist to say “no” more often. You shouldn’t either. But you should be aware that you first have to think about your needs before you can take care of the needs of your fellow human beings. You do not bring much to your environment if you pay little or no attention to yourself.
You will notice that every further “no” is easier for you and your self-confidence is further strengthened. As is so often the case, it is a question of practice. Through this newly learned behavior you will automatically appear more authentic and stronger on your environment, a property that many will envy you.
We all occasionally tend to do things that we would rather reject. In this way we hope to have sympathy with the other person and do not have to justify our decision.
Saying yes means that we are increasingly concerned with the lives of others instead of our own lives. We become unfaithful to ourselves. In addition, we educate our environment that a “no” from us is extremely unlikely and therefore we can be asked at any time.
Therefore, analyze why you may have said “yes” often in the past, even though you didn’t want to, and make yourself clear that life will go on even if you occasionally say no thanks. Take the time to consider whether you want to do something or not, justify your decision if necessary or suggest alternatives.
You will see that it is perfectly okay to say “no”.
P.S. Did you like what you read? Then I highly suggest to take a look at my book SHATTERED you can get it on Amazon.
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