The fear of allowing emotional closeness
Emotional closeness is one of the most wonderful experiences that we can ever experience in our lives. We feel good when we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings with others, when we are deeply understood and perceived, and when we can exchange love, passion, laughter, joy and / or creativity. The experience of familiar closeness fills our souls and takes away the feeling of loneliness.
So why should we be afraid to allow emotional closeness?
It is not actually the proximity itself that people are afraid of. If people could rely on it and have the certainty that emotional closeness with the associated positive experiences would last, they would not be afraid of it. What they fear is the possibility of being hurt due to an intimate relationship with another.
Fears that can prevent emotional closeness
Many people have two primary fears that can help avoid emotional closeness : the fear of rejection – fear of losing others, and the fear of being taken over – being controlled and feeling like losing oneself.
Because we all react to conflicts with various learned regulatory behaviors – from anger and accusation to compliancy, withdrawal and defense – the problem of rejection and confiscation is present in every respect. If someone gets angry, the other may feel rejected or attacked, and may react, anger, resign, withdraw, or resist.
If someone closes off to the other person, the other person may feel rejected and may then react in a judgmental way, which in turn may trigger fears of being taken in, and so on. These defense mechanisms appear in one form or another in every respect. If the fear of rejection or seizure prevails, a person may decide that a relationship is only painful, which can result in them avoiding any emotional closeness .
But avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and a lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships provide us with the most powerful backdrop for personal growth when we take on this challenge. So what helps us to allow emotional closeness on the way and to overcome the fear of it?
How we get ready to allow emotional closeness and overcome fears
Fear does not exist because of the experience itself, but because a person does not know how to deal with the situation of rejection or confiscation. The secret to overcoming fear of emotional closeness lies in developing a strong, loving, independent part within us, in the ability to learn not to take rejection personally and to set appropriate limits against it.
If we learn to take personal responsibility to define our own value instead of blaming others’ love and appreciation for our self-esteem, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection – it means that we are no longer afraid of it and therefore will see no need to avoid rejection.
When we learn to stand up for ourselves and not allow others to engage, suppress, dominate and control ourselves, we no longer need to be afraid of getting lost in a relationship. Many people who are afraid of losing their partner give up on themselves in the hope of binding the other person to themselves. They believe that if they meet the other’s needs, they will love them. But losing yourself is terrible, because of this fear many people do not have a relationship. If they learned to define their own value and stand up for themselves, that fear would dissolve.
The basis for emotional closeness and relationship skills
The process of inner connection is a process of self-discovery, it is the opportunity to create a strong inner independent, authentic and mature self, with the ability not to take rejections personally and to set limits against losing yourself. Everyone can learn this process and thus cure the fear of emotional closeness.
Through the process of inner connection you get to know yourself, appreciate and love yourself, and take full responsibility for your own self-esteem, your kindness, your security, your pain and your joy. If you value yourself deeply, you will not take rejections personally and will not respond to rejection. You also won’t try to bind the other person to yourself by giving up yourself if you value yourself. When you have recognized your own worth, you are ready to lose the other person instead of losing yourself.
If you allow emotional closeness and overcome the fear of it, the door to deep personal and spiritual growth will open. You have the chance to experience intense fulfillment and joy through loving relationships.
P.S. Did you like what you read? Then I highly suggest to take a look at my book SHATTERED you can get it on Amazon.
P.P.S. If you like what you read then I invite you to sign-up to my FREE Newsletter so you don’t miss out on Updates and up and coming Books, Articles, and more.